


truth breeds despair

by sarcastissa, SnorkleShit



Series: coffee mouths [17]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Felix is a dick, Getting Back Together, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Miscommunication, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Roleplay, Self-Hatred, bad things are happening, maine was a dick, wash needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 22:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3786628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastissa/pseuds/sarcastissa, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnorkleShit/pseuds/SnorkleShit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>bad things happen</p><p>-</p><p>a roleplay adaption from tumblr between myself and destielswingsmyheartacrosstheline</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> too sad for song lyrics

Wash laughed as Grif and Simmons bickered across the table from them, turning to poke Tucker on the arm.

“So, do you like your fish?”  
“Its great,” Tucker grinned up at Wash. “To be honest, I’m enjoying the free entertainment more.” He gestured at Grif and Simmons. “Do you think Simmons knows that Grif is secretly successful?”

“Yeah, it’s what pisses him off the most.” Church butted in.

Wash shook his head and leaned back in his chair. It had been a great idea for them to go to diner. 

“I can get that.”

“It kinda pisses me off,” Tucker grumbled. “In the words of a very wise man, ‘the lazy will inherit the earth’.“ He turned and winked at Wash.

“Damn right they will.” Wash laughed, then leaned in closer to Tucker.

“At least we can be lazy together.”

Tucker smiled sadly and leaned up to press a quick kiss to Wash’s lips. He turned his head to rebuttal the complaint that was, no doubt, on the tip of Church’s tongue, whenever something bright orange across the room caught his attention. Felix.

Wash turned towards Church. “Hey, stop with the eye rolling, we have a right to be lame and romantic.”

Tucker froze and watch with wide eyes as Felix grinned at him and picked up the steak knife on his plate. Felix began to play with the knife, twirling it around and poking the tip to his finger to prove how sharp it was.

Tucker lost it at the sight of blood. He was hyperventilating, distantly realizing that he was having a panic attack. He heard his chair scraping across the floor. He had to get out of there. He was shaking. He could hear Felix laughing. He couldn’t–it was too much–Everyone turned and stared as Tucker scrambled up and started backing away, breathing heavily. His eyes were staring across the room- Felix. 

Wash stood, shooting death glares towards Felix. Then he turned to his boyfriend and blocked his line of sight, hoping he would focus on him instead of the asshole with a knife. 

“Babe?”

Tucker couldn’t hide his flinch back from the word even if he wanted to. He tried not to focus on how he couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs. “No, no, no, no please, no…” He chanted in a small, broken voice. Not here. Not now. “I need to go,” He declared, standing and searching for an exit, but his brain short circuited. Too many people. “Too many…too many people–I can’t–he’s–Wash–”

Wash tried to stay calm- the others were standing. He tossed their money on the table and then headed forward, gesturing for people to move out of the way while wrapping a protective arm gently around Tucker, trying to guide him outside.

Tucker was shaking. He couldn’t tell who was leading him outside but he knew that they were safe. He focused on the arms around him. He could do this.

The others followed, and they made it to the parking lot.

“Tucker? Can you hear me? It’s okay, he’s not gonna hurt you, you're right here with me.” Washington assured him.

A voice behind him sent shivers down his spine.

“You’re right on that part. I’m not here to hurt him.” Felix drawled, leaning against a nearby minivan, picking his teeth with the steak knife. Wash turned and put himself between Felix and Tucker.

“No!” Tucker practically yelled, pushing Wash behind him. Felix would hurt him. He turned and gave Wash a helpless look. “No, he’ll hurt you.”

Church ran out of the restaurant to warn them that Felix had disappeared, but stopped short at the scene in front of him.

“Tucker, there’s nothing he can do without consequences, there’s too many people. Someone has 911 ready in case this asshole has lost his last screw. I’m not afraid of you, douchebag!” Wash turned to glare at the orange haired menace. 

Felix laughed. “No, I’m not really gonna use this little paring knife. Doesn’t mean I can’t hurt people, my real forte is my words, as Tucker knows so well. Besides, physically, it’s not like me hurting you is the biggest deal is it? You love being hurt, you’re a hardcore masochist, aren’t you?” Felix chuckled.

“Shut up!” Tucker yelled desperately. “Leave him alone! I’ll do it, just leave him alone!” Tucker pleaded with Felix.

“Do what? What the hell are you talking about? I’m not a masochist, what are even saying?” Wash shook his head in confusion. “Just leave both of us alone and go fuck yourself.”

Felix laughed and pushed himself off the car, tossing the knife over his shoulder.

“Well, you’d have to be a masochist to be with that Maine guy for so long. Really did a number on you, didn’t he? Is it true it took hours and hours to get all the glass out?” Felix shuddered. “Yikes.”

Wash froze, staring at him. He felt his blood run cold.

“W-what? How-”

Tucker turned to Felix, desperation coloring his face. “Please don’t.”

Felix glared at him. “I told you you could stop this. You where the stubborn one who couldn’t break it off with the ‘love of your life’. Psssh. He’s never gonna tell you he loves you back, he can’t. You aren’t ever going to hear those three words come out of his mouth. What kind of future do you have with someone as broken as him? Go ahead, try. If he says it, I’ll back off.” Felix put his hands up in mock surrender. “And I’ll never ever come back. Go on, Wash. Say it. If you really love him, can’t you just say it?” He smirked at Washington like he knew something.

Wash stared at him, then looked at Tucker, face pale. If he could just say it, get over his stupid issues and say those three words, they’d be safe from Felix forever. He opened his mouth, and nothing came out, opened and close, a hand to his throat, he tried with all his might, all his willpower. All that came out was small, helpless noises.

“I’m so sorry.”

Tucker’s heart broke. “Its fine. We’re fine. It doesn’t matter if you don’t–” Now wasn’t the time. “I’m sorry, I thought I had more time. I’m sorry. Its all my fault. I’m so sorry.”

Wash just stood there, while everyone stared at him, confused as all hell.

“It does matter- I promise, I’m trying-”

Felix cut in. “Are you fucking kidding me? Trying isn’t going to cut it, after what you did, David. I know all about the last time you told someone you loved them.” Felix tsked, shaking his head.

Wash whipped to look at him.

“What the fuck do you know?” He snarled in anger.

Tucker sighed heavily. He looked defeated. He was defeated. This was all his fault.

“Look, buddy-” Sarge tried to say, but Felix cut him off.

“When I first talked to Maine and he told me about you, I was just blown away, I mean, what- three years? Three years and you didn’t do a thing to stop him? The only thing I can conclude is that you got off on being fucked like a white boy in a prison shower.” Felix snarled.

Wash jerked back like he’d been punched. 

“How did you-” He choked out in shock.

Tucker glared at Felix, anger and disgust running through him. No fucking way he was gonna do this to Wash, embarrass him and reveal him in front of everyone. “Shut up, Felix.”

“Why are you so stuck up on him? He can’t ever express his love the way you want, babe.” Felix sneered, extra emphasis on the pet name. Then he turned towards the rest of them.

“When your boyfriend holds you down on a bed of glass and you beg him to stop, and you're like-” Felix screw up his face and pretended to be cowering from something, voice higher. “Oh, please, don’t rape me! Don’t do this, I love you!” 

Then he turned and puffed up his shoulders and scowled and his voice got deeper. 

“That’s why I have the right to do this, you’re so pathetic, say it again” Felix laughed. 

“As you can see, for someone as weak as our Washington, saying I love you isn’t in the cards when your boyfriend forcibly takes your virginity on a bed of glass while making you say ‘I love you’ over and over and over the whole time-” Felix shook his head with a chuckle.

“You MUST be a masochist, you must have liked it on some level if you stayed with him for so long and let it happen over and over and over.”

Wash just stared at him, shocked someone he barely knew had just acted out the most traumatic experience of his life like it was a comedy skit. The others were all frozen in horror, a glance told him. Even the seemingly careless Grif. Fuck, he hadn’t wanted them to know, oh god, oh god…

He hadn’t wanted Tucker to hear it this way, he had been so ready to tell him, but all the others- 

He needed to ground himself before a panic attack set in. He turned to look at Tucker, knowing he would see understanding. It was okay if Tucker knew, even if this wasn’t the ideal way. Now Tucker would understand that he loved him, that it just wouldn’t come out, Tucker would reach out and pull him back to the comfort of his love and they would get rid of Felix together-

But what he saw was disgust and anger. Was it directed at him? It had to be, right? Oh god, he felt like the whole world was falling out from under him. His fight or flight instincts kicked in, and without Tucker’s understanding, he didn’t have the strength to fight.

So he turned on his heel and ran.

Tucker snapped his attention back to Wash whenever he saw him running. He shouldn’t go after him. He should just end it there. But there were tears in Wash’s eyes and they were his fault.

So, without much thought, Tucker ran after him and yelled his name. God, how could he be so stupid as to think he could actually be happy? Buying a giant house because he remembered Wash mentioning that he wanted kids, staying up all night tracing Wash’s freckles, falling in love.

He couldn’t do that. It wasn’t in the cards for him. Torment, guilt, anger, abuse. Those were the themes of his life. He may not be his father, but he was still a victim.

Jesus Christ, where the fuck was the bus stop? He hated the city at night. He needed to get home and figure out what to do, maybe him and Tucker could move past this? Maybe it hadn’t been directed at him? God, he didn’t know, he couldn’t know right now. He felt phantom hands all over him and it was driving him crazy as he jogged down the sidewalk, breathing heavily. 

He heard Tucker and slowed, praying to god it hadn’t really been directed at him. That Tucker would hold him and reassure him that he loved him and the phantom hands would go away again and maybe then those three words would come out of Wash’s mouth, if Tucker proved once and for all he wouldn’t hurt him. He forced himself to turn.

“Wash, God–” Tucker choked on a sob as he tried to hold it back. Panic attack + threatening sociopath ex-boyfriend + crippling depression was not a good mix. All he wanted to do was drag Wash home, hold him, and protect him. Promise that, somehow everything was going to be okay because the cartoons always said that true love would conquer all.

Too bad the cartoons never accounted for a crazy ex-boyfriend hellbent on ruining your life. 

“I’m so sorry, but I think…” He gulped in some air and tried to erase the anguish from his face. He couldn’t look at Wash whenever he did this. He’s too much of a coward. He picked a spot over Wash’s left shoulder and stared. “I think that we should break up.

"After everything that happened back there, Wash, I can’t–” _protect you, I can’t put you in that psycopath’s way, I can’t sacrifice your safety for my happiness._ "God, I’m so sorry.“

Wash stared at him, and he felt phantom hands and ghosts all over him. His father dragging him roughly out of the house and throwing him to the ground, his hand clasped painfully on his right wrist. Maine’s hands hitting him, choking him, caressing him, Maine’s teeth on his neck, body pinning him down, cock forcing its way inside, poisoning him from the inside out. Felix’s hands choking and grabbing him. They were everywhere, painful and suffocating.

But as he listened to Tucker, the one person he’d had complete faith wouldn’t reject him, break up with him because of what Felix had said- he felt another pair of phantom hands. But these didn’t hit or grab him. He felt Tucker’s warm hands leave his skin, retreating in sudden fear of how rotten he was on the inside. He felt Tucker’s warm, glowy love being pulled away from its place under his skin, and it hurt worse than anything he’d ever felt before.

He felt surprisingly calm.

“I understand.” _I understand you can’t love someone as broken and dirty as me. I understand you have enough on your plate and you deserve someone clean and with less baggage. Someone who can express their love the way you need._ “It’s okay. Thanks, for everything.”

Felix actually had not recited the most traumatic event of his life. Here, right now, his heart being ripped out as Tucker stared at him in disgust and pity- that was number one by far.

Tucker felt tears rolling down his cheeks but swiped them away quickly. He wanted to take it all back, but the damage was done. “Right, do you still need a ride home, or…? I bet Simmons will…” He couldn’t complete the sentences, not whenever he was fighting tooth and nail not the breakdown in sobs and ask Wash to forgive him for being so weak and pathetic.

Not whenever he had to fight this hard to control himself. Distantly, he remembered a conversation with Mike from back whenever he was dating Felix about how sometimes he felt like he was holding back an ocean of tears whenever Felix touched him, and somehow, Mike knew why. Knew that Tucker somehow already knew how abusive the relationship was turning. Mike told him that whenever he felt like one man against an army of feelings, not to hold back.

That he would only end up getting hurt.

 _Shit_ , he thought to himself as he started crying harder. He didn’t want to hold back. He wanted to hold Wash. But he couldn’t. Because he was stupid and weak.

Tucker was crying pretty hard. Wash wondered distantly if Maine cried when he left him die. 

“No, I don’t want to be around any of you. I’ll go catch a bus.” He said numbly. Everything was distant, numb. He turned his back on Tucker, and started to walk away, then paused slightly to turn his head back a little.

“Please don’t feel bad. It’s okay. Don’t add me to that long list of things you hate about yourself. After a while, your cells all get replaced and you won’t ever have touched me, right? Have a nice night, man.” He said, voice flat. Then he kept walking.

Everything felt like it was happening to someone else, distant, he could only feel

Everything through some sort of buffer. He wondered if Tucker would miss him. No, probably not. Maybe he would miss the person he had thought Wash had been. Tucker was crying because Wash hadn’t been the person he thought he was. Once you find out everything about someone, find out who they really are, you either still love them or you don’t. 

Tucker had loved the person he had thought Wash was. Maine had loved the person he forced Wash to become.

He wondered if Tucker would still love him if he’d met him before Maine.

That person was dead, and this new person was slowly dying too from the leftover poison.

He wondered this all with a sort of numbness. He wondered if it would be selfish to miss Tucker.

Even the phantom hands where numbs and distant, now. He wondered if it would be selfish to miss them too.

At the sight of Wash’s back walking away from, Tucker failed. He let out a quiet sob, but brought one hand up to cover his mouth. He was so pathetic. Sobs racked his body as he tried to stay upright. One hand over his mouth, the other around his stomach, he could barely hear what Wash had said to him.

_I don’t want to be around any of you. Your cells all get replaced and you won’t ever have touched me, right?_

Did he really hate Tucker that much? To want it to be like he’d never touched him? Did he really think that he was that terrible?

The panic attack from before hit him full force as he spiraled downward at full force. He was alone, late at night, in a parking lot, sobbing and hyperventilating. While he let the love of his life walk away. He really couldn’t blame anyone for hating him, could he? He hated himself.

The numbness slowly wore off as he got on the bus and on the walk home, till it was just teetering at the breaking point when he walked in the door.

He didn’t know if anyone else was home, so he locked himself in the bathroom.

He needed to calm down. He refused to have some stupid panic attack over this. He should have seen this coming.

He shouldn’t have been so stupid, so naive, so foolish to hope he could ever live free of the truth, ever be loved despite his brokenness. The only way he would ever find happiness and be loved is if he hide it. But what kind of lie was that to live?

God, he hated Maine so much. He hated Tucker. He had loved them, gave them everything he could give. Maine just took more and more until he was almost nothing. Tucker gave and gave till he finally felt whole again, then ripped it all away. 

He turned around and around and around, kicking over the garbage can, head spinning. 

Then he stopped and sagged, supporting himself with his grip on the sink, heaving in breath after breath as the overbearing phantom hands battled and grappled the heavy emptiness that ripped at him from the inside out, the rotten hull of what Maine had stolen from him, what he thought Tucker could give back, but now everything hurt so much worse. Nothing worse than having hope and getting it ripped away.

He looked up at the mirror, staring at the lie staring back at him. His own heartbreak and anger and disgust in himself boiled over in his core and clogged his throat, bringing tears to his eyes. It ran down his arm and curled his fist closed and let it shoot out like lightning, crashing into the mirror and shattering his own image. The glass shattered and fell and sliced his hand and he fell with it, crashing to his knees and sobbing.

York jumped to his feet at the crashing sound in the bathroom. He threw open the door to find Wash bleeding, curled up in a ball, and crying.

“Shit, Wash,” He breathed out, taking in the scene around him. He knocked over trashcan, the broken mirror. He hadn’t seen Wash like this since he was recovering from Maine. He knelt down beside the blond and pulled him against his chest. He didn’t know what happened, but he knew that whatever is was, Wash needed his friend right now.

And York needed to talk to Tucker.


	2. Not Your Yo-Yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tucker and Felix have a heart to heart

Tucker slumped into the chair at the smallest table in Grif’s cafe. He stared into his mug of coffee.

_“I like my coffee how you like your men,” He smirked at Wash’s raised eyebrow. “Hella black.” Wash laughed and shook his head before leaning it against Tucker’s shoulder._

_“You’re lame,” Wash quipped as Tucker pressed a sweet kiss to his head._

_“You love it.” He smiled down at Wash, who rolled his eyes but nodded and leaned up for a kiss._

It’d only been a few days since the break up, but it was still fresh on Tucker’s mind. He didn’t need Grif’s judgey eyebrow to tell him that he looked like shit. He couldn’t go to class, barely get out of bed. The only thing he was capable of doing in this state was screwing things up. And taking Junior to school and back on time.

God, he was pathetic. The coffee didn’t even taste right anymore.

Felix strolled down the sidewalk at a leisurely pace, heart full of pure satisfaction. He sauntered into the cafe and slid smoothly into the seat next to Tucker.

Tucker’s entire body tensed. He turned and glared at Felix, hatred boiling his blood. “What do you want?” He hissed.

Felix pouted. “I want you, babe. What else? You know I’m the best you’ll ever get.”

“Are you–” Tucker turned to glare at Wash, fury building up in his stomach. His tone was exasperated at first, but quickly turned angry. “Are you _fucking_ kidding me?”

Felix laughed, and leaned closer.

“C’mon, babe, we had such good times together. I only wanted to help you be better, and I only want the best for you. Which is me, of course.” He pretended to smile in living sincerity.

Tucker looked up at the ceiling and laughed harshly. “So that’s your game? You want to see how much shit you can put me through and I still come back whenever you want? _Like I’m some fucking yo-yo!?_ ” Tucker was furious. Beyond furious. He stood abruptly to leave. 

“We’re done. You come after me, my family, or Wash again, and I will kill you.”

The smile slipped like a mask from Felix’s face. He stood too.

“You’re too pathetic to speak to someone like me like that. You where nothing before I came along! Why don’t you get your head out of your black ass and do the smart thing?”

Tucker shook his head, “You don’t get it, do you, dumb ass? If I’m your end game, you lose. You overplayed your hand. Sure, I’m alone and miserable for the rest of my life without Wash, but you’re not even close to be a consolation prize. Being with you is a punishment. I’m leaving now, and I don’t ever wanna see you again.” Tucker turned on heel and started walking over to the door.

Felix whipped out to grab his arm, snarling.

“Don’t fucking walk out on me like a Mexican drama. Fine, I see when I’m not wanted. But why the fuck do you love that broken, mentally fucked weirdo anyway? I can see the appeal of training him into a good little bitch, but you aren’t into that. Why? What does he have that I don’t?”

Tucker turned and, without thinking, punched Felix in the face. His now free arm cradled his fist as he tried to hold back his pained exclamation. He forgot how much that hurt. The last time that he punched someone, he was seventeen and fending off bullies for Junior.

“Don’t talk about him like that,” Tucker practically growled. “You wanna know what he has that you don’t? A strong moral compass, a conscious, he doesn’t threaten to hurt the people I love until I break off all contact with them. He dances with me at three in the morning to Billy Joel even though we’re both exhausted. And I love him.” Tucker breathed heavily and angrily swiped his tears off of his cheeks. 

“Fuck.” He turned and ran out of the cafe.


	3. Let Your Words Fall Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get back together and everybody is happy

He’d been falling apart for days, and finally, he had no more energy to wake up screaming or to drag his own nails over his skin and draw blood in an effort to distract him from the phantom hands. York, North and Carolina where at their wits end. He had refused to tell them what happened until…

Grif knocked on the door Inc before barging in lazily. “Are those pancakes? I want some pancakes.” He shook his head remembering why he was here. “Is Wash here? I’ve been looking for him everywhere and its exhausting.”

North frowned.

“I don’t think you should be here. Carolina left to do something, but if she comes back, I wouldn’t want you to be here when she gets back after what Tucker did. And I don’t think you should be looking for Wash. He’s not in the best state right now and you might just make it worse.”

Grif frowned at North. “Tucker was being threatened and blackmailed by his psychotic ex-boyfriend to break up with Wash so that he’d be miserable enough to go back to him. I have proof. Wash deserves to know the truth.” He glanced around and pointed at a door. 

“This his room? I’m going in. If you try to stop me, I’ll sit on you.” He crossed the front room easily and knocked on the door once before–once again–inviting himself in.

He raised one unimpressed eyebrow at the view of Wash on his bed. “Sit up, blondie. I’m about to fix all of your problems. That’s a lie. I’m about to fix one of your problems that will give you a new problem and fun stories to tell the grandkids.”

Wash flinched, turning to glare at him. He knew what he looked like, a wreck in bed, bandaged hands, bags under his eyes, covered in his own scratchy marks.

“Leave me the fuck alone.”

Grif snorted and pulled out his phone, opening up his gallery app. “Yeah, that’s gonna happen. Because I totally do shit for other people and then let their own stupidity and stubbornness stop them from being happy. Look, you and Tucker are my friends and I care about you. You don’t have to listen to me, just…watch this. It’ll explain a lot. Also don’t tell Tucker that I videotaped him without his knowledge, I’m putting up a vine to warn people about Felix.”

Wash felt all his pain double at the very mention of Tucker.

“I don’t give a fuck, I don’t want anything to do with any of you.”

Grif rolled his eyes. “Look, I don’t know what happened the other night between you and Tucker, but you’re my friend and I care about you. I also know Tucker well enough that he did not tell you the truth. Also, I’m willing to bet that he already knew you were raped. But that aside, watch the video. You deserve to know what happened.”

Washington opened his mouth, sparks of anger burning the inside of his throat. But he was too tired to let them turn into fire, so he took the phone from Grif’s hand and pressed play with a scowl.

The video started with Felix sitting down next to Tucker. The audio was unbelievably clear, almost too good to be true. Grif crossed his arms over his stomach and watched Wash watch the video.

Say that three times fast.

Wash stared down at the screen, anger and confusion ruling him until the end, when Tucker ranted how much he loved Wash then ran out. He looked up at Grif, then down at the screen.

“What? But, I thought- he said- but Felix-” His head whirled in confusion and pain and he felt like he was gonna pass out. This was too much.

Until suddenly, it all let go, and he stood up and shoved the phone into Grif’s hands.

“I’M SO FUCKING DONE.” He shouted, stomping over to his closet to scramble to find his boots.

“This is all fucking crazy bullshit and I’ve fucking had it. FUCK THIS.” He seethed, tiredness forgotten as he ripped open the door.

“K,” Grif yelled back before looking at Wash’s bed. “Is that memory foam?” He laid down and…oh yeah. Yeah it is. Oh that’s nice. He was sure that Wash wouldn’t mind if he…just…took a nap…

North started at Wash’s outburst, but turned back to his pancakes. That is, until obnoxious snoring could be heard from Wash’s room.

Wash raced as fast as he could towards Tucker’s house. Farther than the dorms, but faster to get to because their was less traffic and obstacles. His heart was pounding and he was just so fucking ANGRY. 

Finally, he reached the house. The house him and Tucker had danced in. The house he’d fantasized having his first time with Tucker in. The house he had been so happy Junior was going to be raised in happiness in.

He pounded on he door, clenching his jaw. He knew how he was going to look once Tucker opened he door, practically deranged, dark eyes and covered in scratch marks with his hair all disheveled, but he didn’t care.

Tucker opened the door, sentence already half out of his mouth. “Grif, I already told you–Wash.” All of the breath left his body as he stared at the man in front of him. Hair a mess, bags under his eyes, scratch marks on his face.

He felt like he’d never seen anything so beautiful.

“Hun–” He stopped himself, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. “What are you doing here?”

Wash didn’t flinch at the pet name, even though it was like a punch to the gut- he was used to those. His face just screwed up in more righteous fury.

“I need to know something, right here, right fucking now. And you better not fucking even think about lying to me. If you EVER loved me you're going to tell me the truth.” He said, voice clear and sharp.

Tucker blinked up at him. Two months ago he would’ve said something like _looking a little crazy there, babe_. He missed two months ago him. Instead he replied with a serious nod and “Anything.”

This was it. The reason he had stormed over here, the question burning under his skin. His pain and heartbreak welled back up to mix with his anger. Tears leaked out of his eyes and he clenched his fists, but his stature never lost its strength, his gaze never lost its fire even as hot tears pours over his cheeks.

“For the last few days, I’ve been in hell because I was under the absolute assumption that you had broken up with me because of what Felix told you, because you couldn’t love me knowing that I’d been-” A year ago, months ago, days ago, an hour ago, his throat would have closed up around the statement he wanted to make. But it didn’t now. “Raped, over and over. God, so many fucking times. I was under the IMPRESSION that you thought I was disgusting and weak and broken and couldn’t bring yourself to waste your extremely hard given love on someone who wouldn’t be able to give it back. That’s not even my mind spinning things out of control, that IS WHAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE SAYING TO ME. And then Grif shows up at my house and tells me about a certain confrontation between you and Felix. And then the idea occurred to me that you and me may have been having COMPLETELY FUCKING DIFFERENT CONVERSATIONS THAT NIGHT.” Wash felt his voice break from emotion and he clenched his jaw and took a shaky breath.

“I understand if that’s how you do feel and I’ll go away and you won’t ever have to see my crying raving rape victim face again. But if-” He got stopped up as desperate, still angry sob escaped. “If that’s not why you broke up with me you better explain it to me because I could not think of another possible reason. It’s all that makes any sense!”

“God, no, Wash,” Tucker shook his head and looked at Wash like he was crazy. “I could never-you wanna talk about _broken_? Dirty? Wrong? Doomed? Abused? It doesn’t matter to me that you’ve been raped. Well, fuck, I mean it does, it pisses me off and makes me wanna strangle somebody, but the only way that it affects how I see you is that you’re so strong.”

Tucker took a deep and breath and looked down at the ground, biting his lip. “And I’m not. And I’ve got a crazy ex-boyfriend, hellbent on destroying my life and everything I love and that includes you. The things that he threatened to do to you, I can’t…I shouldn’t have dragged this out, it only made it hurt more, but I’m selfish and I wanted it all and to ignore him, but I don’t know what I would do if he hurt you.”

Tucker wrapped one arm around his scar. “I had no idea that you thought that, God, how would that make any sense? Breaking up with someone because they were raped?” He sighed and used his freehand to brush his dreads out of his face. “He’d been calling and texting me since the first appointment with that horrible woman lawyer and he’d been threatening you and if I called the cops, he’d call Maine and tell him where you were and if I didn’t break up with you, he’d–”

Wash stared at Tucker.

“Maine? He really fucking know where that asshole is? And he said he was going to tell him where I was, so you-” Wash put his face in his hands. All this emotion and confrontation was too much. The phantom hands felt less and less phantom like, more real, he could barely breathe.

“The only time you ever hurt me was when you were trying not to.”

Tucker flinched as if Wash had hit him and nodded. “Right, well, if you’re just here to clear that up,” He started, moving to close the door.

Wash snapped his head up, eyes blazing with a renewed fire, and whipped a hand out to stop the door from closing.

“Oh, no. We are so not even close to being done. For the first time in years I can say what I want to fucking say and you are going to listen. And trust me, it’s what you need to hear. I’m fucking done with all this bullshit, it’s time to take a gun and shoot every goddamn elephant in the room right in the face.”

Tucker nodded dumbly as he stared at Wash. For some reason, the only thing that he could to say was some fun fact about elephants that Flowers had told him two weeks ago.

Probably not the right thing to say, so he kept his mouth shut.

Wash shoved his way past Tucker into the living room, walking around in circles for a moment before he took a deep breath and looked Tucker right in the eye.

“Okay, let’s start out with this- I understand you were trying to protect me. You were trying to do the right thing. And I’m not mad. I’m actually kinda touched because I was abused more than a coffee maker in an accounting firm office and when I first met you I was afraid of everyone, and I was afraid of you, up until you came to pick me up for our first date at Flower’s shop and you just smiled and said you wouldn’t let anyone hurt me and I fucking believed you. And you keep proving it over and over that you’re the complete opposite of Maine. He hurt me because he wanted to, he beat me and fucked me on whim and then I turn around and you hurt yourself to try and keep me from getting hurt. It means so much to me, God, I know how hard it must have been, I get why you were crying so hard now. I fell in love with you hard and fast for so many reasons but one of those reasons is because you touch me like I’m something to be treasured, you touch me like it’s an honor to be allowed to and it makes me never want you to stop touching me. I love you, I fucking love you, asshole, and god I’ve wanted to say that for so long and I couldn’t and it hurt so bad but that’s over now, I can finally breathe, I can finally say it, I love you, I love you, I fucking love you so much I thought I was going to die when I thought you’d stopped loving me.”

Tucker’s eyes filled with tears as he leaned against the now closed door. There he was again, holding back an ocean. “Wash–” His voice broke as he looked up at the ceiling. “God–” He never thought he’d hear those words, not after that night, but Felix was probably more pissed than ever and if they… “I love you, too, but we can’t.”

“Bullshit! Grif has Felix harassing you on camera, and there’s been a warrant for Maine’s arrest ever since I was hospitalized, I filed a report, my grandpa is best friends with the county sheriff, I’ve been to the guys house, I played video games with his sons, the entire police force of the surrounding counties knows his fucking face, that’s why he hasn’t come back. We don’t have to be afraid if we stick together, we can’t let them win! I can’t lose you! I don’t care about my safety if I’m not being safe with you, damnit! You think I’m not safe with you but you're wrong! You’re the only person I feel completely safe with in the whole damn world! If we suffer because we don’t want the other person to suffer then what’s the point? Why should we give them what they want? He took EVERYTHING from me! I’d rather die than let him take you to!”

“That’s what I’m afraid of!” Tucker shouted, emotions clogging his throat. “Felix doesn’t bluff, he’ll deliver on his fucking promise and the system will fail because that’s what they fucking do. That’s how Felix is walking around a free man right now, that’s why we were so scared that Junior would go back to that bitch, that’s why I can’t go outside wearing a hoodie. The system is shit! It wasn’t made to protect people like me!” Tucker took a deep breath and tried to hold back his tears as all of the fight left him. “Felix gets what he wants. That’s how it always is.”

“He’s getting what he wants right now! He only wins in this situation if we let him! If you think pushing me away is gonna protect me then you're wrong! There is nothing he could do to me that would be worse than losing you. That’s what he wants! He wants us to live in misery and fear apart from each other! I know it’s scary and I’m scared to but if we stick together I swear to god there’s a huge chance that it’s gonna turn out alright! I don’t wanna be alone anymore, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna hate myself I don’t want to live in fear and pain and I don’t want I to rip at my skin to try and get rid of all the people who are still touching me anymore! I’m fucking sick of it! 

“I’m sick of watching you hold everything inside! I don’t want you to be miserable, all I want is to make you happy! I want to love you and hold you and take pictures with you and fight these psychos with you and I want to make love to you, you're the first person I’ve ever wanted like that and I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything. You think the ultimate act of love is to push me away? Bullshit. If you love me you know in your heart that that is the worst thing you could ever do to me. I know you’re afraid! I know why you're afraid! But you don’t know why I’m so afraid of walking away from this! I fear not fighting more than anything! More than death, more than living the rest of my life at Maine’s mercy or Felix’s sociopathic whims, NOT FIGHTING AT ALL WOULD BE THE WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ME!” Wash was practically shouting again, body shaming and breathe filling his lungs rapidly in and out.

“I don’t think that pushing you away is some ultimate act of love!” Tucker yelled back at him. “I think that its the only way I know how to get you out of Felix’s warpath and I value your safety more than your pleasure! I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is! Especially now! I _punched_ Felix, to him that means that I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life and that’s fine with me as long I know that you’re safe. You never asked to be threatened by sociopath of an ex-boyfriend, or to have your past thrown into your face! He’s my problem and I WILL DEAL WITH HIM, but I can’t put you danger!”

“My past gets thrown into my face every time I look in the mirror, he liked to make me watch myself when he fucked me, and I have to see that every day! My past gets thrown in my face a thousand ways! That’s what the past does! It haunts you! You shouldn’t have to deal with him alone! That’s what people in love do, they help each other deal with their fucked up shit! You can’t do everything yourself, you’ve borne the weight of the world on your shoulders your entire life! You shouldn’t have to! Letting people help you isn’t wrong! That’s a really hard lesson to learn but it’s true! You aren’t weak just because you want to be happy! You weren’t weak trying not to give into what Felix wanted, that’s strength! Asking for help won’t make you weak! Please just let me in! Let people love you as much as you love them!”

Tucker slumped against the door and looked up at Wash. He smiled begrudgingly up at him, 

“You’re not gonna let me do this alone–no matter what I say–are you?”

“No, because I love you. You're not the only one who holds stuff back. I-” Washington took a steady breath and stepped closer to Tucker,

“I want to open up completely. I want to stop holding back, and I don’t want you to feel like you need to hold back anymore.”

Tucker nodded to himself as he realized what was happening, that Wash _loved_ him and _wanted_ to stay with him. That Wash wanted to open up to him and that he wanted to hear all of Tucker’s stupid stories. He didn’t want Tucker to hold back. It was too good to be true. “You love me?” He asked, wanting to clarify the one point there that he was tripping over.

Wash smiled through the tracks of tears. “Yeah, I do. I’ve loved you this whole time and I really wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you so badly, it just wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I was planning to tell you about what happened, I was gonna tell you everything, and then I was gonna tell you that I loved you.”

 _Fuck it_ , Tucker decided as he basically threw his arms around Wash’s neck in a tight embrace. He didn’t want Tucker to hold back, so Tucker let the tears start rolling down his face. “God, I’m sorry, I’m so stupid. I love you,” He repeated the words over and over as he buried his face in Wash’s neck, barely balancing himself on his toes.

Wash sobbed in relief as the phantom hands faded and breathed in Tucker’s scent.

“I never really tried.” He choked out.

“Tried what?” Tucker asked, not quite able to leave Wash’s arms just yet.

“To fight back. I- after he forced me the first time, I stopped living in denial, and I started physically fighting back, I’d hit him back and stuff, scream at him, but I was holding back. I never really gave it my all, and in the end, he always won, and sometimes I’d just give up. And I knew I should tell someone, ask for help, but I couldn’t make the words come out of me. I was too weak to really fight for myself or try and get away, I was too afraid. And I still can’t help but feel like I deserved it if I wasn’t strong enough to even try and really stop it, and it’s still really confusing. 

“Carolina and York, North and South and my parents and my grandparents- they all talked about how proud they were that I stood my ground in the end, even if I ended up in the hospital for it, that it meant a lot. But they don’t know the truth. They don’t know that I could have ran out the kitchen door and screamed for help at any time. They don’t know I could have hit him harder or locked myself in any room and called someone and they don’t know that I thought about doing it all and I didn’t. They don’t know and I don’t ever want them too.”

“You didn’t deserve it,” Tucker shook his head against Wash’s neck and pulled back to look him in the eye. “You didn’t deserve it and you’re the strongest person I know for living through it. I get it. You weren’t in denial any more but you were still holding back hope that the man you fell in love with would come back. Besides, abusive relationships—you’ll always look back and think about what you could’ve done to avoid it. Some people think about how they could have fought back, others think about what they could have given to make their abuser happy. If they didn’t say that thing or if they forced a smile then. Honestly, Wash, you’ve survived so much and I’m so proud of you for standing up against Maine. Even if it took some time.”

Washington tried to smile but all that came where sobs, and he pulled Tucker forward and kissed him with all the desperation of a man who only had two seconds left alive.

“I love you. And I’m not ever gonna let you face anything alone again. I’m tired of tiptoeing around things out of fear and awkwardness. There are things you need to know that I can’t afford not to tell you. I love you, and Tucker- you aren’t ever going to be your father.” He said straight out, not a single trace of fear in his voice.

Tucker opened his mouth to say something–anything–but couldn’t find the words. He pursed his lips as all of the emotions from that day flooded through him. Wash couldn’t possibly know if Tucker would become his father, but whenever he stated like it was a fact, who was Tucker to object? “I love you, too.” He told Wash honestly, hoping that he wouldn’t push on the subject. Tucker really wasn’t ready to bring that fear out of the deep dark corner of his mind that he stashed it in.

Wash clenched his jaw. “No, you don’t understand. I have proof. I have concrete fucking proof that you aren’t your father and you never will be. Do you want to see it?”

“Yes,” His mouth worked before his brain. He didn’t want to talk about this.

Wash turned and looked around the room until he spotted it, then strode to the mantle and picked the framed picture of a smiling Junior and Tucker in front of their new house. He walked back and handed it to Tucker.

“What do you see in this picture?”

Tucker smiled down at the picture, remembering the day fondly. “Me giving my little brother a piggy back ride because he scraped his knee in front of the house and about half of the Realtor looking like she’d rather be anywhere but there. Why?” He looked back up at Wash with a confused expression.

Wash smiled. “I see a smiling little boy being carried by his older brother who would go to the ends of the earth to protect him. I see an older brother who’s done everything in his power to give his little brother a better life than he had.” Washington laid a hand on Tucker’s shoulder.

“Junior is never going to grow up alone or in pain or have to struggle like you did, because you made sure of it.”

“Yeah, because I had to,” Tucker told him, shaking his head slightly. “That doesn’t mean that I won’t fall into a bottle and start hurting the people that I claim to love.”

“You didn’t have to do that, you did it for the reason you do everything. Because your heart is full of so much love, you love so largely and so completely that you’re incapable of not giving and giving and giving.”

Tucker shook his head and looked down at the picture briefly before looking up at Wash. “You really think I won’t become him?” He tried not let his voice reflect how vulnerable he felt. 

Wash’s opinion meant the world to him, and if Wash told him that he was doomed to be a drunk, abusive, bastard…he would never be able to fight it.

Wash set the picture down on the table, reached out and took Tucker’s hand, looking him right in he eye.

“I know you won’t be. That’s why, you could take this hand and touch me anywhere and I wouldn’t even think of flinching. Because when you touch me, you touch me, like I said, as if it’s an honor to be allowed to. You’re not twice or three times the man your father was because your father wasn’t a man, he want even in the same realm of existence as you.”

Tucker’s mouth was dry as he processed what Wash had told him. Wash trusted him. Wash loved him. Tucker nodded to himself. He carefully wrapped his arms around Wash. It was a start. He couldn’t say it out loud. Not yet. “Thank you.” He muttered into his chest.

“Are we good? Are we gonna stick together? Can we go make out and cuddle and forget the most horrible few days of my life ever happened, please?” Wash asked.

Tucker laughed, feeling lighter than he had since Mike’s funeral. He brought his hands up to cradle Wash’s face and pulled him down for a slow, loving kiss. “Good luck trying to get rid of me now.”

“Like I’d ever want to. Is Junior gonna be home soon? Did you tell him we broke up?”

“Simmons is picking him up. I didn’t tell him but he kinda inferred. I’ve been a mess,” Tucker forced a laugh and looked up at Wash with a concerned expression. He gently brushed his thumb over the scratch marks on his face. “You don’t look great yourself.”

Wash glanced downward, huffing.

“Yeah, I know. I spent three days going insane. And then I gave up and decided I was gonna drop school and move back in with my grandparents. The whole misunderstanding part of the break up gutted me, man. But everything makes a lot more sense now.”

Tucker bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head. “Sorry, I think you were right about us having two completely different conversations.”

Washington just laughed and kissed his forehead.

“Don’t you dare try and blame yourself for that. There’s no way either of us could have known, it wasn’t our fault. And it’s all cleared up and over now. Jokes on Felix, he just brought us together stronger. Talk about a backfire.”

Tucker winced. “Yeah, about that…I think he might be out for blood now.”

Wash sneered at the very thought of Felix. “The only blood he’s gonna get is his own. I’ll call the sheriff in the morning:”

Tucker nodded and rested his forehead against Wash’s shoulder. He breathed a sigh of relief and let himself relax for the first time in weeks. “I trust you,” he muttered underneath his breath as he closed his eyes and breathed in Wash’s presence all around him.

“I really am so sorry it took so long for me to say that I loved you. It wasn’t that I was afraid you’d do the same thing he did…it just couldn’t come out till everything else could, I guess. Shit, the adrenaline’s worn off. I haven’t slept in two days, can we go lay down?”

“Yeah, of course,” Tucker smiled up at Wash. “Bed or couch?”

“Bed, if you so please.” Wash replied with a happy smile. He may be tired, but he’s never felt so free and refreshed before in his life.

Tucker led Wash to the bed and flopped down on it, frankly exhausted from the nightmares and panic attacks that had riddled the last couple of days. “At least we came out of this with a story for the grandkids,” He mumbled before tensing. Shit, he didn’t mean to start in on another serious topic.

“Yeah, give the little snotty shits a reason to make fun of us, excellent idea.” Wash murmured, snuggling close to Tucker. “I’m just kidding, they won’t be snotty, considering how great of a job we would do raising their parents.”

Tucker wrapped his arms around Wash happily and let his eyes close and he absorbed the amazing feeling of having Wash in his arms once again. “They’re totally gonna be snotty as fuck. And spoiled, too, if I have anything to say about it. The grandkids, not the parents.” He smiled widely at the thought. Loving Wash for the rest of his life–maybe getting married, maybe not–adopting two or three kids–filling all of the rooms–raising the kids as their own and the kids being happy and successful. He barely registered it whenever a happy tear fell down his cheek.

Maybe they’d get a dog, or–more likely–a couple of cats.

Wash knew exactly where Tucker’s train of thought was, so he leaned up and kissed the tear away, then kissed Tucker, clinging to him and pressing their bodies as close as could be, just wanting nothing more than to be wrapped up in the love of his life. 

“I wanna do everything with you.”

Tucker’s eyes were teary as he laughed a bit before nodding. “I’d really love that,” He admitted before pressing a slow kiss onto Wash’s lips.

Washington practically surged against his boyfriend, devouring the kiss and returning it ten fold, like he’d been suffering from Tucker withdrawals. Which he had, that was a pretty accurate statement. God, he felt like he was glowing, from the inside out, like none of that hollow rottenness or the phantom hands could ever touch him again. Tucker wasn’t a drug, he was the antidote to the poison Maine had clogged his veins and lungs with.

Tucker pulled away and grinned at Wash like he couldn’t believe he was there. He tucked some stray blond hairs behind Wash’s ear and let his hand rest there. “I love you,” He whispered with reverence.

Holy shit, this was so great, he could finally say it back.

“I love you too, boo.”

Tucker laughed. He laughed until there were tears in his eyes. “I missed you,” He choked out, trying to blinked the tears away because he knew once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop, and if this was a dream, he’d definitely want as much happy time with Wash as he could get.

“I missed you too. I’m sooooooo glad that I can finally talk without any issues, and i’m ecstatic that we’re back together better than before. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

Washington sighed and laid his head down on the inside of Tucker’s arm looking up at him,  
“I hate to spoil the happy atmosphere, but, about what happened in the parking lot…I was planning on telling you already, but everyone else? How did they- I only talked to Grif and you know how Grif is. I didn’t want them to know. I owe Felix a punch in the balls for that one.”

“Sarge might’ve done that for you,” Tucker bit the inside of his cheek. “I don’t really know what happened, though. I sort of…you know how I am whenever emotions get to be too much, I just sort of curled into a ball and cried. Church and Grif found me after Felix left and took me to the dorm. Doc stayed with Junior. No one really talked about it, but I’m pretty sure Tex drove around for an hour looking for Felix. Eventually Church made me tell him everything. They processed, and they miss you and they…told me I was an idiot. They don’t think worse of you for what you’ve been through. What about you? I was surprised whenever Carolina hadn’t murdered me by this morning.”

Wash huffed. “That’s good. I suppose I shouldn’t be awkward about it, but I can’t help it. Uh…I didn’t really tell them what happened till last night. She wanted to kill you. Not sure how York talked her down, she was furious. I should probably call them and tell them I was wrong…later.”

Tucker nodded and looked around the room, studying the shape that it was in. The books that he’d had stacked neatly on his shelf were thrown into the floor, a half-packed box of Wash’s things beside his closet, a picture of the two of them that had been in the foyer, but had somehow managed to migrate to the bedside table. Wash’s hoodie that Tucker had hidden under the covers whenever he door the knock on the door because he didn’t want Grif to know that he’d woken up in the middle of a nightmare and the smell of the hoodie was the only thing that had calmed him down.

A tear rolled down his cheek, making him curse quietly and swipe at it angrily.

Wash pulled himself up and did the only thing he could think of- he kissed Tucker’s cheek, and then made his way kissing down his jaw line and stopped to kiss and suck lightly on the sensitive spot under the edge of his jaw, reaching a hand up to take Tucker’s free hand and bring it to Washington’s chest, so he could feel how hard his heart was beating.

Tucker’s fingers curled into the fabric of Wash’s shirt as he pulled away and ducked down to press his lips over Wash’s, desperately trying to pour out how much he cared about him through the kiss. His other hand came up to rake through Wash’s hair.

God, he thought that he’d lost this. He thought that he was alone again and it had hurt so much.

Wash arched into the kiss and smiled against Tucker’s lips.

“God, I love the way you touch me. Never stop.” He breathed.

“I really don’t plan on it,” Tucker replied, trailing kisses down Wash’s neck, practically worshiping his skin. “I love you,” He whispered over and over in between the kisses. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

“I’d drink to that. Let’s promise never to be stupid like that again, our poor hearts just can’t handle it.” Wash laughed, reaching his other hand to thread his fingers through Tucker’s dreads gently at the base of his neck.

Tucker pulled away and laughed, leaning up to kiss Wash’s nose and cheeks. He pulled away, however, at the sound of thee front door opening and Junior running in, yelling about his day and the party that they’d had in orchestra and how one kid made cookies shaped like everybody’s instrument. Behind him, Tucker could hear the door slam and Simmons trying to get Junior to take off his shoes and put up his stuff and ranting about the state of the fairly tidy Tucker home. Tucker sat up, excited to see his little brother, and dragged Wash into a sitting position.

Junior ran into the room, gesturing wildly as he continued to tell his story before freezing whenever he saw Wash. He was still for a minute before grinning widely and running to jump onto the bed with them. He threw his arms around Wash’s neck. “You back! You back! I miss you!”

Wash flailed in surprise a little then laughed and returned the hug, heart swelling.

“I missed you too, buddy. Everything is gonna be okay from now on, I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> playlists:  
> plot:   
> http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/twenty-questions  
> wash:   
> http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/cracks-in-the-mirror  
> tucker:   
> http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/the-strongest-hearts-are-the-heaviest  
> felix:   
> http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/please-don-t-stay-in-touch  
> maine:   
> http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/f-u-r-y  
> sad:   
> http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/i-found-you-lost-with-a-compass-in-the-fog  
> locus:   
> http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/enjoy-the-abuse
> 
> wash: destielswingsmyheartacrosstheline  
> tucker: sarcastissa


End file.
